Room 1 A
by
Kym Milne

Esther absently spoons sugar into her black coffee.  Already she knows it will be far too sweet just as she knows the coffee will also sit untouched to grow cold as her second cup of the morning always did nowadays.   
	It had started very slowly in the beginning.  A misplaced object here and there, a bit of forgetfulness occasionally but nothing too out of the ordinary.  Then the unexplained memory lapses began, short term memory being the worst.  He usually had an excuse to cope with the new circumstance though.   Next came the wandering and after that the subsequent mood changes.  Swings from calm to aggressive to argumentative all in the space of a few short moments.  
	Nothing to worry about, probably just a bit overworked that’s all their doctor said.  I wouldn’t worry, Hector has quite a few good years ahead of him yet.  It had sounded so encouraging but when they left the surgery Hec said who was that you were talking to.  The doctor had been Hec’s physician and trusted friend for the past thirty years.  
	It was the part of the day Esther dreaded the most, walking the hallway on the clean freshly washed floors of the hospice wing.  For some reason Esther’s various shoes always squeaked underfoot.  Entering his room she looks down on the sleeping frame of Hec, her one time larger than life partner.  Once tall, strong and sunburnt a nut brown from hours spent surfing the early morning breaks and on weekends.  
	Hec was thirteen years older than Esther but they seemed so perfectly suited and had been together ever since their first date.  Hec was funny and charming to Esther’ serious and guarded nature.  He was outgoing, she shy!  Hec, always the optimist and a perfect balance to Esther’s distrusting nature.  In the beginnings of their relationship the women in his circle of friends often tried to highlight their age gap.  Sly comments and innuendo slated about. Does anyone remember that show on television, of course you wouldn’t Esther you’re too young or are you old enough to recall such and such.  It prickled Esther to the core but had little to no effect on Hec.  He was completely immune to such stuff.  Their life together was perfect, filled with mutual respect, appreciation and love for one another.  How could it have all gone so wrong!
	Esther would have given everything to change places with Hec.  Hec of all people did not deserve this life trapped in a body and mind that was no longer his.
	She looks at him, a stick thin figure now barely making a bump under the crisp white hospital sheets.  The room had been dark when she entered and she had thought he was sleeping.  The ward sister had said to her when she arrived that he had been difficult again.  Why, thought Esther does she always tell me that? Am I to feel sympathy for her self imposed martyrdom?  Esther found the ward sister particularly annoying.  It was her whinny voice and the way she acted old beyond her years.  Esther often felt like smacking her hard across her unremarkable face.  Good on you Hec, stick it to them she said softly as she threw open the curtains to let in the brilliant morning sun.  You won’t let them brow beat or bully you will you darling! 
	Esther takes a seat on the cold vinyl chair next to his bed and opens the book at the marked page and begins to read to him.  Slowly Hec opens an eye and peers at the figure in the chair.  Oh good, its you he says softly what’s your name again?
She feels tears prick at the back of her eyes and says kindly Esther, my name is Esther.
That’s a nice name he says as he closes his eyes again.
	A young nurse appears in the door way do you want me to pull those curtains closed? 
	No snaps Esther with a voice that no longer seemed to be hers.  Christ she thought to herself don’t you people know he is a sun worshipper?  That he needs to feel and see the sunshine.     
	The nurse retreats with her usual expression as Esther thinks about her most treasured moments with Hec.  The times where she would sit and watch him for hours from the safety of the sand as he expertly cut across the face of a wave on his long board.  The bigger the swell the more content he was.  He loved the gracefulness and tradition of long boarding.  You see Esther, wait long enough and everything comes back into fashion again he commented happily one day after running up the sand toward her.  He was a traditionalist who would never loose the true roots of surfing and was pleased that more long boards had slowly begun to appear on the waves along side him.  No cut backs or floaters for Hec, it was always drop kneed turns or hanging five or hanging ten.  Even when the weather turned nasty and the sea was brutal Hec would still head out to catch a wave.  Esther, on days like these would snuggle up in a soft blanket and from the sanctuary of their warm car sip coffee and watch her partner.      
Now it was endless trips to hospice where the days had slowly slipped into weeks then months.  Esther feeds him when he feels like eating.  Small birdlike mouthfuls of pureed food and his favourite, ice cream.  She always makes sure she keeps his much loved flavour stocked in the ward’s communal fridge alongside his favourite soft drink of sarsaparilla.  Most days when he allows, Esther will bathe him loving, stroking the warm water filled sponge across his skin.  Instead of her protector he had become her child.
Esther is about to continue reading when Hec asks Are they there today?  He struggles to sit up and slips on the stiff linen sheeting.  Esther is to her feet helping him, her hand almost encompassing his thin upper arm.  Through his pyjamas she can feel the delicacy of Hec and swears she can almost see through his skin to where the veins stand out like small blue streams in his body.  He raises his arm and with a long bony finger points out to the distance through the window.
	Who Hec is who there? she asks puzzled.
	The family, I saw them, out by the lake yesterday feeding the ducks.  Can you see if they are there today?
	Esther walks to the window and looks out upon the lifeless grey concrete of the parking lot and a roof top filled with air conditioner units.  No she answers vaguely there’s no one there.
	That’s a shame, the woman had on a lovely dress.   I wanted you to see it.  Maybe they’ll come later.  
	Hec, where did you see this?  Esther says turning to face him.  
	Out there he says becoming agitated and pointing harder toward the window.   Christ, you’re not stupid like the rest of these idiots here are you?  His off handedness wounds her but Esther has dealt with this disease long enough to now understand it is not the Hec she knows and loves treating her this way.  Look out there by that old stone building, the one with the lake around it.  I spent hours yesterday just watching that beautiful view.    
	Esther turns back to look at the bleakness of the scenery before her Oh yeah, sorry Hec I was looking in the wrong direction.  Your right, it’s beautiful.
	Like a small contented child he smiles and sinks back into the pillows Esther had arranged behind his back.  
Would you like me to keep reading now or do you just want to look at the view? Esther asks smiling.  
	Both he answers happily.
	The day quickly slips away and as Hec dozes Esther steals quietly from the room.  On the odd occasion when he has been awake and she had tried to leave he had sobbed uncontrollably begging her to take him with her.  It was at times like that when her heart truly broke.  She would tell him she was just ducking to the toilet in order to console him knowing that once she left the room he would not remember anyway.  Most times now she will try to leave only when she knows he is sleeping.  It’s easier that way.
	The next day, within the same routine Esther enters Hec’s room.  They spend the day together.  Hec in his bed and Esther by the window, their imaginations now their only true connection to each other.  Most of their friends and Hec’s work colleagues don’t visit now.  It was too painful for them.  Esther could see that in their faces.  It was the looks of disbelief, the anguish and worst of all the pity.  So visible were the signs that she found herself saying that it was okay not to come.    
	I saw a fish jump this morning, it must have been a red herring Hec offers with a laugh.
	I can see a beautiful little blue wren said Esther and I think the ducks have a small clutch of ducklings. 
	Lovely he says dreamily then adds almost child like can you read to me now.
	Esther takes the book from her bag and opens it at the marked page they are forbidden by Peter to look in the least like him. And they wear the skins of bears slain by ….
	Hec cuts Esther off mid sentence I don’t like that story.
	Oh Hec she says softly its Peter Pan, one of your favourites.
	Hec becomes sullen and turns on his side to face away from her.  It is an action to signal his dismissal of Esther what if I get the paper and read that to you.  Would you like that?
	Hec does not answer.  Esther pushes to book back into her bag and sits in the deafening silence of the room.  She knows he is deteriorating more with each passing day.  She waits until he drifts off to sleep then leaves. 
	The next morning when Esther arrives, Hec is spirited and happy I think you should take me out tomorrow old girl and we’ll have a picnic down there by the lake
	Definitely, it’s a date she answers with tears in her eyes
	And we’ll tie rope to our beer bottles and drop them in the water to keep them cool.  
 That would be just great Hec Esther says trying to hold back a flood of tears she knows is coming.  She bends to kiss his forehead I love you so much.   He smiles up at her and winks.  
Toward the end of the day Esther leaves then buries her face in her hands and weeps.   She weeps for her partner who will turn sixty tomorrow.   
	It is early morning and the sun has barely had a chance to streak the sky when Esther wakes.  With her arms linked behind her head she is thinking of Hec and of the beautiful ocean waves he so loved when the shrill tone of the telephone cuts the quiet air.  
	Numb!  Esther drops the phone back on its cradle and stumbles out of bed.  She had thought about this moment but was still so unprepared.  Peacefully in his sleep they told her.
	Esther walks for what she knows is the final time upon the squeak inducing floor.  She enters the room and immediately pulls the heavy backed fabric from the windows and watches the sunlight stream in.  She looks down at Hec.  He looks so peaceful as though only sleeping.  She gently combs his hair and sweeps a small amount across his forehead just as he liked to wear it then bends to kiss his cold lips.   Esther opens the book at the marked page, takes her seat in the vinyl chair and begins to read to Hec for the very last time.