Karen Craps Herself
by
Simon Petochio

The title of this story is not just a metaphor for Karen’s feelings of apprehension; she does literally crap herself, and it’s quite sad the way it happens. So if you can’t handle that sort of thing, this story might not be for you.
Of course we will not use her real name. We’ll call her Karen to protect her identity. She has been through enough already.
She’s really a lovely woman, overall. She’s smart and kind. She has an unusual sense of humor and can come across as being almost eccentric at times, some of the things she says. But she has a good heart and it shows in her eyes when she looks at you, especially when she smiles.
Tom knows this well (we will call him Tom out of respect for his and Karen’s privacy).
Tom can hardly stop thinking about Karen’s good heart showing in her eyes when she smiles. It is impossible for Tom not to smile when he sees Karen smiling, even if she’s smiling at someone else on the other side of the room. It only takes a brief smirk from Karen, and Tom feels a warmth in his abdomen, which rises fast to the top of his spine. His whole head tingles and his lips peel back involuntarily from his teeth, forming wide grin. 
He tries to close his lips over his teeth so that nobody notices. It looks like he has thought of a private joke and is trying not to burst out laughing. But he is just falling in love; that’s what it must be, he thinks. 

Karen doesn’t know this. She wouldn’t suspect that she could have this effect on someone.
She loves talking to Tom, and she can tell that he likes her. Sometimes she feels like he’s an old friend, even though she has only known him for a few months. She is always hoping to see him. She feels better when he’s around; and when he’s not, she seeks him out. But when she sees his lips peel back that way, she doesn’t quite understand why. She leans toward him and conspiratorially says, ‘What?’ She smiles and searches Tom’s eyes with hers; grabs his elbow and asks, ‘Tom, what’s so funny?’ And this almost makes Tom burst. He wants to squeal like a schoolgirl and throw his arms around Karen; squeeze her and kiss her and eat her alive.
Wanting to do all this, and yet forcing himself to stand still – even though Karen is touching his elbow and flashing her eyes at him- he feels ridiculous. It is unbearable, so he makes an excuse to walk away from her. Karen is not offended but it seems to her that Tom is not interested in her in a romantic way, since he retreats every time she attempts to flirt with him.
Then again, maybe she is no good at flirting. She hasn’t done much of it before now. Maybe Tom doesn’t even realize that she is trying to flirt with him. Maybe she should just tell Tom how she feels about him: “Tom, I love you.” - No more silly flirting. Just tell him and see what happens.
It seems quite possible, when she thinks about it, that Tom would be pleased to hear this from Karen. But if she thinks about it too much it starts to seem improbable again.
The stakes are high. That is the problem. As fond of Karen as Tom appears to be, to tell him her feelings is still a big risk.
The only acceptable outcome for Karen is that Tom feels exactly the same way about her as she does about him. She realizes that the conversation can only end in one of two ways: 
	•	Euphoric embrace, sweet kisses, blissful relief and mutual understanding.
2.    Disappointment, humiliation, remorse and – importantly – the end of their relationship as it currently stands, i.e. a warm, exciting and tender friendship. 
For even if Tom’s response was to tell her that he was extremely fond of her; that he respected her enormously and wanted to be her best friend forever, this would not do. How could she have a best friend who she was in love with? and who knew it.  She would rather it remain a mystery than to have that.

Tom, unbeknown to Karen, not only feels the way Karen hopes he does but also has the same fears as she does in regard to revealing his feelings. So he resists the powerful urge to confess his love.
 He continues to seek out Karen’s company, even though he feels more and more uncomfortable in her presence. He tosses and turns alone in his bed; cuddles his pillow, silently repeating her name with every breath; falls asleep to dream of her. And she does the same thing not very far away, in her own bed.

This goes on for longer than you might expect. It has been well over a year since they each recognized, within themselves, their deep love for the other. By now it is almost unendurable. They find themselves getting annoyed with each other without reason. Often something one of them says or does will hurt the other’s feelings. They are hypersensitive to each other’s moods.
 Karen is confused by the outward symptoms of Tom’s frustration; she mistakes them for hostility toward herself. Tom, remorseful at having spoken to Karen in an abrupt manner, punishes himself by avoiding her for several days. Karen, deeply disappointed by Tom’s absence, takes it personally and gives him the silent treatment. They have got themselves so tangled up inside that they can’t tell their heads from their hearts.

The fact that Karen craps herself is really beside the point. It just happens to be the first symptom of the disease that eventually puts her in a coma. And it first happens while she is riding on a bus with Tom. It’s so terrible; she tries to hide it but it is not possible. Tom notices. Everyone on the bus does. 
It is an emergency that could happen to anyone, but Karen is mortified. She thinks that Tom will surely not be attracted to her now, even if he was before. Soon she is so ill that she could die; and then she is in a coma.
For days she sleeps in the hospital while Tom sits beside her. He talks to her, reads to her, holds her hand and tells her over and over that he loves her. He doesn’t know if she can hear him. He doesn’t know if she will live. He promises himself that if she does – no matter what her condition – he will ask her to marry him. And if she says yes he will take care of her forever.

Karen almost asked Tom to marry her, not long before she lost consciousness. She felt so sick and depressed, and desperately wanted to tell him how she had always felt about him. She was past caring about the incident on the bus. But she thought she was going to die. Wouldn’t it be unfair to Tom? - to unload such an emotional burden on him, and then go and die?
That’s what she was thinking as she was slipping away eight days ago.
At the same time, Tom was in the hospital elevator clutching a bunch of flowers, on his way to see Karen. His palms were sweating and he was crushing the bouquet, so tense was he. He had decided to take the plunge; be a man. He would declare his love for Karen at long last. Nothing would stop him.
But when the elevator doors opened, he froze. The doors closed again with him still inside. He stood there with the flowers and rode up and down for a while. What if she doesn’t want to hear it? If it’s not what she wants, then won’t it only make her feel worse than she already does?
By the time he walked into her room she was unconscious. This immediately broke his heart and made up his mind. He has been sitting beside her ever since. 
Of course he has had to go home a couple of times, and he has popped out for the paper or a bite to eat. But he has been sleeping here at the hospital and not going to work; spending almost every hour watching over Karen. 
No one can tell him what her chances are; he knows they’re not great, but these things are unpredictable; he has to wait and see. Why doesn’t he just go home? He can visit every day. They will let him know if anything changes. She’s in good hands. No, not yet.
 Sometimes he paces the halls or goes down to the shops, then he starts thinking that Karen might wake up and find herself alone, so he rushes back to her side. But she is not awake.
He is losing his grip, suffering from lack of sleep. And although he still reads to her and shaves his face for her and replaces the flowers in the vase, he is gradually feeling less and less hopeful that she will wake up. He is ashamed of this and he digs deep, trying to find some more hope, but he is exhausted. He needs to go home. But he doesn’t.
Now, at dusk on the eighth day, Tom is passed out, snoring in his chair beside the bed. He jerks awake and finds Karen’s eyes are open. There are tubes coming out of her nose. She is looking at him calmly as if she just awoke from a nap.
Tears form and spill from Tom’s eyes as he leans over her. ‘Hello Karen’ he whispers, softly touching her cheek.
Her voice is croaky; ‘I love you, Tom.’ She is smiling. And so is Tom.